​An attachment based approach to understanding couple relationships

You intensely desire to be close to your partner, but no matter how hard you try, you end up in the same situations over and over–feeling anxious, angry, misunderstood, or shut down. Why doesn’t he seem to care how you feel? He just turns away... Why can’t you ever seem to make her happy? It’s like you can’t do anything right... When it feels like you can’t communicate with the one you love, and emotional distance grows, it can be hard to see a way things can be different. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) offers a powerful approach to help both of you understand what is happening in your relationship and create meaningful, lasting change. 

Emotionally Focused Therapy is an evidence-based form of therapy that was designed to help couples strengthen their emotional bond. Developed in the 1980s by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in the idea that a secure emotional attachment to each other is the foundation of healthy couple relationships. We develop attachment styles in our childhood, and we bring them with us into our adult relationships. Unlike traditional talk therapy that focuses on problem-solving or behavior change alone, EFT centers on understanding and expressing emotions to each other to create a secure attachment. It focuses on becoming emotionally safe with each other. It can help you and your partner identify your underlying deep feelings and needs, especially those related to fears such as abandonment, failure, and rejection. With a therapist to assist you, these powerful emotions can be brought into the open in a safe environment. You can respond to each other with empathy and support rather than defensiveness or withdrawal, and real, lasting change for the better is possible. If other types of therapy haven’t helped your relationship, it doesn’t mean EFT won’t.

All of the therapists at MN Couple Therapy Center have advanced training in EFT. Our skilled therapists will typically guide you through three main stages:

 

• Your therapist will first help you identify the emotions that are driving your painful interactions. You’ll be able to see the situations that are happening over and over in your relationship that make you feel so angry, withdrawn, and hurt and what is really underneath them. Once you understand what is going on, it is easier to interrupt negative patterns and create safety in your relationship. 

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• In the second stage of therapy, you learn to express your needs and fears in a safe way. Your therapist will show you ways to share how you feel with your partner in a way that helps your partner respond to you in a supportive way. Likewise, they will be able to share their feelings with you in a way that causes you to respond to them in a supportive way. When you feel truly heard, perhaps for the first time, a feeling of closeness and connection can start to grow.

 

• The last stage is all about strengthening these new ways of relating that make you feel safe, loved, and close for the long term. This cements the changes in your relationship, and you continue to develop a secure and loving bond that can last.

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Research shows that about 70-75% of couples who complete EFT move from distress to experiencing a secure bond, and 90% show significant improvement in their relationship. See our blog “Understanding Attachment-Based Therapy” for more information about why EFT is so successful.​​​​​​​​​​​​

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