What’s Attachment, and Why Does it Matter?

Maybe you are one of the many couples who’ve gotten caught in cycles where one of you tries to get your emotional needs met by getting a response that always ends up seeming critical to your partner–no matter what you say. Meanwhile, if you are the one who feels criticized, you pull away, feeling like your needs don’t matter and you are a disappointment–who no one cares about. These patterns play out over and over, bringing heartache and distance, when actually, they usually mask deep fears, emotional pain, and unmet attachment needs.

There is a way out of this agonizing set of interactions. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is an attachment-based therapy focusing on the emotional bonds formed between people in close relationships. It is based on attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby (although others contributed) starting in the 1940s and continuing into the 1980s. Surprisingly, before his work, it was not recognized that the “infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with his mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment" (Bowlby, 1951). Prior to the understanding of attachment, parents weren’t allowed to visit their children in the hospital (no matter how long they stayed), and many children did not have consistent caregivers in early childhood. We know now the consistent relationship can be with the mother, father, a caregiver, a relative–but it is critical to our development as human beings. And children who are securely attached to two or more people are more resilient if one is temporarily lost. Since none of us grew up in perfect families, attachment injuries are very common, and cause a lot of pain and distress in relationships. If our parents or caregivers were not securely attached to their parents, they might not have been able to nurture us in the best way. If we missed out on a secure attachment in our own childhood, our attachment injuries range from mild to severe. This form of pain can stay with us until we learn to heal it.

There are three main attachment styles:

• Secure: You feel comfortable with being close, and you are able to trust others.

• Anxious/Preoccupied: You worry about being abandoned or unloved.

• Anxious/Avoidant: You keep emotionally distant and avoid closeness due to fear of being let down, or being a failure or disappointment to your partner.

  
  

Most of us have a mix of these styles. From infancy through childhood, your relationships with your parents and caregivers shaped your response to fear, insecurity, and your feeling of emotional safety. These patterns are carried with you throughout your life and shape your responses as you experience adult relationships, very often in ways you might be unaware of. If you don’t know why something makes you feel a certain way, exploring issues related to attachment is a good place to start. If you had a secure attachment as a child, you’ll see the world as a safe place, where others will help you and care for you. If you didn’t receive loving, secure treatment from your caregivers, you may feel anxious, expecting the world to turn its back on you, and believing no one will care for you. Deep down, you might feel your partner will leave you because you’re not good enough, you can’t make them happy, you are unlovable, or will just disappoint them. If your caretakers weren’t there to meet your needs as a child, you might end up feeling like you are completely alone, with no one interested in what you need. Even if your partner is really there for you, you may not be able to feel like that’s true.

In adult romantic relationships, we want to feel safe, valued, and connected. When your partner doesn’t respond in the way you need, you will most often react with the patterns developed in childhood when your attachment needs weren’t met–with anxiety, avoidance, or anger. Attachment-based therapy like EFT can help you recognize these patterns in your own life and understand how they influence your interactions with your loved ones. You may begin to recognize the attachment styles affecting your partner too. Unless the root causes are identified for painful feelings and behaviors, it can be very difficult to create a secure bond in your intimate relationship with your spouse or partner. Emotionally Focused Therapy really can help you heal these attachment injuries, even if they have been with you for years. With a skilled, supportive therapist and a partner who wants a closer bond, you can find new ways to interact. Improving your sense of attachment and safety can deepen love and form a healing connection with those you love most.